Tribute to an amazing man

Lately I have been thinking about my dad a lot! Probably the reason for my over emotional spaz yesterday(see post below)

You see I miss my dad so much, he isn't here to share jokes with his grand kids, or watch them grow and learn new skills. I feel like he just left me as my new married life was just beginning. The story is a deeply sad one, I'm not sure if I am completely ready to share yet but here goes... On November 18th 2003 my phone alarm went off to remind me it was my Dad's birthday, being pregnant with our first child and at that forgetful stage I hadn't posted his card. So I went out to post it and thought nothing of it for the rest of the day. I then received a phone call from my dad's, new wife's, friend asking for my mum's phone number which I though was strange but gave it to her and again forgot about it. Then at about 8pm I had a phone call from my mum telling me my dad was dead, he had killed himself. I remember screaming NO!, shaking, dropping the phone and Stu rushing down the stairs to see what had happened. After that its blurry! The next few days were awful, I couldn't eat or sleep properly which was doing our baby no favours. I was then told how he had walked out of work in the middle of the day, gone to a petrol station and filled his can up, walked about 5 miles out of town to a field where he poured the petrol onto himself and set it a light.
What a waste of a life, I get angry at him for what he did and for how stupid he was. Why didn't he ask for help? He had family around him who loved him very much. The hole he has left in my life will never be filled, the only source of comfort I have is in God and His word.
I can't watch films with people burning in them anymore, of which there are a few that were my favourites, including Aliens. I just think how awful it is to get to that state in your life, that you think its not worth living. I have been to that point and returned safely unharmed thank God, but why him and not me?... what was it inside me that stopped me from doing it but didn't stop him?.. I guess my questions will remain unanswered.