Saturday, December 09, 2006


No this is not a post about Bob....

According to the book I'm reading, given to me by my wonderful friend Charlie I'm a Princess!!! It's not one of those books about men and women's power struggles etc and stealing their 'wind'.

It's meant to describe the search for a woman inner soul, and how it can get lost along the way, in amongst the busyness of life, children, work and husbands.

At first I thought nothing of it but the more I've read the more I think yeah that's how I feel....

I remember dressing up as Cinderella and pretending I was beautiful. I admire characters like Maria in the Sound of Music so plain, and in no way a match for the Countess looks wise yet she has a rare and beautiful depth of spirit. It is this spirit that captivates the Captain.

I want that meek, calm, innocent spirit. I know a lady who has such a spirit I think she's the most beautiful person I've ever meet. I strive to be like her she is a wonderful mother, a loving wife and a great friend. She always seems to make time for people even though she is sooo busy (as she has four kids!) herself. She always tries to be helpful and puts herself out for others. I long to be like that.

I wish all these terrible things hadn't happened in my life, losing so many people I love, I wish things were not so hard at home and that my children were less demanding. I wish so hard for my happy ever after, my life is not how I imagined it would be. I thought once I got the husband and the children that was it fairy tale complete. Disney/Hollywood never shows you the life after happily ever after. Pretty woman doesn't end with Julia shouting at Richard for leaving things on the stairs causing their child to fall down them.
In Last of the Mohicans Nathan says "No matter how long it takes, no matter how far - I will find you" not " What for dinner love?? I'm starving!".
The Beast doesn't stay a Beast he becomes a handsome prince.
Sleeping Beauty wakes up, Snow White comes back to life, the frog becomes a prince all from one kiss. (I wanna be kissed like that again!)

I have another friend who is so beautiful and has (without sounding gay) a body I would kill for (maybe slightly bigger chest :-)) but still she gorgeous. I would love to be her right now, freedom, and no responsibilities.
I love my family and wouldn't change them but they never tell you in fairy tales about stretch marks and other unpleasant side effects of pregnancy, like gall stones.
The wonderful awe of a newborn baby, then reality kicks in after 10 months sleep deprivation. I mean how do cleb mums do it... oh look I've popped out this baby, I'm a size 8 again, my hair is perfect, make up on and not a stretch mark in site! I love Britney, she looked so dog rough after her kids and she wasn't ashamed, cause you know what she human too!

My other best friend is so beautiful too, she is so kind and caring again she puts herself out for others and always is available to talk and cook!

Maybe I should stop whining!? Maybe I should just get on with it!? but part of me is so unhappy right now that its killing me. A piece at a time I feel I'm (Me/Lorna) is dying, and that I am becoming a whole other person. Someone I don't want to be, someone who wakes up in 20 years time and says hey I'm nearly 50! My kids have left home, what else is in my life to do now except wait to die!
I don't care what people who read this think, this is me, no lies, no fronts, this is how I feel and its my blog! I can write what I like, don't like it, don't read it, wanna laugh go ahead I guarantee that even if your a millionaire and have all you want in life bet you still feel something is missing!

I can't be bothered with Christmas this year, I'm pretending to be happy so my kids don't suffer and my friend's don't think anything is wrong. Why should I keep Christmas alive in my family!? I loved it as a kid, but my Nan isn't here taking with her, her phone calls saying "Santa's on his way time for bed!" and Grandad's gone too taking with him his Rum butter and home made pud's, My Dad wont be there to make me laugh and tell the stupid jokes that everyone's heard but still laughs at. No more under cooked turkey from my Grandma, or burnt puddings from Nan.
This year even my Mum will be in another country, sun at Christmas is all wrong.

When did growing up get so hard....Oops I'm nearly 30 surely I should behave like an adult, think like an adult, live like one.... What happened to that little girl so full of happiness, life and fun, where is she???

Happy ever after, yeah right!


charlie said...

You say you are turning into another person. Who do you want to be-I'd much prefer you to be Lorna. Not the Lorna who pretends to be happy but the Lorna who I love and who I am bestest friends with.

Go to the docs, tell him exactly how you are feeling. He may have some different meds for you or help with ideas on how to change your mood.

Also without going overly Xtian on you. Pray about it-tell God about it too-tell him to help, tell him what you need to make you feel better. He is listening to you and is closer to you than you feel.

I love you, darling Lorna and it hurts me, to know how you are feeling currently. Be honest with your mates, with Stu and most importantly yourself.

One wise friend told me that when you have a down day admit it, when something good happens be happy and cherish that. Also remember to go out every day.

Lorna's Ark said...

HEY using my own advice against me is NOT fair!!!!!
But I feel so much better for having a rant may have to do it more often, watch this space.

woot said...

Ha ha!!! Go Charlie!!!

Lorna does that to me all the bloody time!!!

Nyah nyah nyah!

Lorna, we totally care about you. You are so loved and even though you feel crappy it wont always be like that.

Your grandma, nan, and grandad still love you and must be very proud of the fantastic job of being a mum that you are doing.

Youre not totally different. I still see that sexy lady who tried to steal my shoes when i first met her. Who i opunched random guys for. You are still you, you just have different priorities and have experienced more of the horrid things in life.

Thats it. fuckk dieting. You are loved and I am gonna feed you chocolate until the seritonin kicks in!


woot said...

What is with the appalling spelling in my last post?


Lorna's Ark said...

mmm chocolate a great adiction


I'm gonna be overtly Christian, Lorna: God says that sin is what brought suffering and death into this world. Stretch marks? That's Eve. Lost friends? That's Adam. Mean to your hubby? That's you.

Even if you could have the perfect life, Lorna, death would untimely rip it from your hands, anyway. What is a good time to die? Really? Who picks a good time to die?

In fact, I don't know anyone who has their life so well mapped out of when they should die, and how long they should live, and what things they can take with them when they die. I do know that God has appointed a time and place when we will all give an account for how we have lived our lives in the time that He has given us on earth. How will you do? Don't put off finding out--you could die today!

Lorna's Ark said...

I'm not scared of dying I know where I'm going and who I'll be with, Jesus. how can that be scarey? I just am unhappy that the people I love keep dying on me!